Remember the Minneapolis Miracle featuring Case Keenum and Stefon Diggs?
More like the Meaningless Miracle, right Drew Magary?
According to Magary, the future for the Vikings is bleak, simply because, in his mind, they’re expert losers who have perfected the art of rendering fans useless, stuck in a pit of emotional pain, for the final two months of Minnesota’s harsh winters.
Actually, that’s putting it gently. Magary makes it sound much worse in his 2018 “This Is Why Your Team Sucks” column about his hometown Vikings. You can read the full attack right here, or just check out some of the funniest/meanest things he had to say below.
1. Blame the birds
“The Vikings exist mainly to remind me that hope is for idiots,” Magary writes. “God, they’re such pieces of s—. They’ll never have a chance like that ever again. I wanna die. The ghosts of the birds the new stadium killed cursed them to lose to the bird teams forever.
2. Kirk Cousins is the worst
“Here are some fun things about Kirk Cousins. First off, he throws lots of bad picks! Secondly, he can’t f—— grill a steak! Thirdly, he apparently doesn’t realize The Office is on Netflix. Fourthly, he combines the suffocating piousness of Tim Tebow, the strained comedy of Ted Cruz, and the training quackery of Tom Brady. From that wretched brew he has engineered a brand of corniness so robotic and so toxic that it could burn through steel.”
3. The offensive line still stinks
“Their biggest move was drafting a right tackle in the second round whose chief drawback is that he weighs 68 pounds. They could have drafted a guard in the first round and opted instead for an eighth cornerback who has a sexual assault inquiry on his resume.”
4. Prepare for another 10-year wait
“I know how the Vikings work. They do not SUSTAIN success. They won’t be back in the title game until 10 years from now, with another batch of coaches and players. And they’ll lose.”
A quick fact check reveals that the odds favor an eight-year wait before the Vikings return to the title game (2001, 2009, 2017).
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