Leave it to Deadspin to post a hilarious column on why every team in the NFL is horrible. The full post on the Vikings is right here.
Here are some snippets from it. Keep in mind that the writer — Drew Magary — is a Viking fan… and he has a potty mouth.
“Your quarterback: Christian Ponder. Any positive statement about the Vikings can be countered with “Yeah, but Ponder sucks.” Adrian Peterson is really good! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. Holy (expletive), look at all the shiny new first rounders in camp! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. That Harrison Smith sure seems gritty! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. It’s like putting an Italian cruise ship captain in charge of Seal Team Six. Christian Ponder is a nice fellow, but when third-and-long arrives and he drops back, I spend half a minute praying he doesn’t actually release the ball. I just want him to curl underneath a defensive end so that Blair Walsh can attempt a 90-yard field goal.”
“Why your team sucks: Take it from me: Out of all the fanbases in this division, we are the worst. By far. It’s not even close. Lions fans are loyal. Packers fans are insane. Bears fans are fun. And we suck. We are the Atlanta of upper Midwest sports fan groups. The second the Vikings dip even a hair below .500, they have trouble selling tickets.
“Minnestoans are the snobbiest people on the face of the earth. The average Orono soccer mom resents the fact that she has to cheer for this team, which has no championship history to boast to the neighbors about, no fabled outdoor stadium to hold a Jell-O picnic outside of, and gets no extra ladlefuls of adoration from that fat (expletive) Chris Berman. The second Brett Favre joined the Vikings, Minnesotans were OVER(expletive)JOYED, because they got to co-opt a little bit of Packers glory for themselves. It was horrifying. And that’s true any time a former Packer joins Vikings: Darren Sharper, Ryan Longwell, etc. We got one, yay! It’s like having a mother who loves some rich kid down the street more than her own flesh and blood.
“Our owner is a crook and will probably stop spending any money now that he’s swindled the state into buying a new stadium. The old stadium has a garbage bag for a roof. The new joint will have a CLEAR garbage bag for a roof. My life is a waste. I hate this team. You betcha.”
